Do you believe...?

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? That we are being guided by an invisible force? That something bigger than you and me is in charge?

Some people called this big thing source, the Universe, God, the Divine, simply energy whatever you call it do you believe? 

I think all these names are interchangeable and are all talking about the same thing. 

It is that knowing, that deep feeling that you are supported and looked after even if you can’t see how. 

It’s those coincidences, synchronicities, those things that you can’t explain but that end up assisting you and getting you through the day or bringing you happiness.  

I don’t believe that everything that happens to us is good, a lot of shit happens and I don’t believe we should look at life through rose tinted glasses. I do think that when we let go of that need and desire to control absolutely every little thing that is when we allow the Universe to play her part. 

When Ben died I shut myself off from everything, from the possibility that something positive could come from the situation, from my feelings too (but that’s for another day!), from the endless possibilities that are presented to us everyday. 

All I could see was this awful, absolutely devastating event that had happened to me and boy I was pissed off, at the world, at the Universe, at source, at God, at whatever, whoever had given Ben cancer and allowed him to die. I couldn’t see past this huge black hole of grief, sadness, anger, regret, jealousy, hurt, pain, fear, all those feelings we try to turn away from, try to keep at bay. They were there simmering and bubbling over from inside of me. But I had no outlet for them, my tears weren’t enough, talking didn’t help, I didn’t need fixing, I needed to feel, shouting and screaming didn’t help. Only the keening cries late at night in the garden seemed to sooth my broken soul. 

Slowly, oh so slowly the black tide receded enough for me to examine what bits of me were left behind, was there any of me untouched, untarnished by this implosion. For me it was an implosion not an explosion, some reach out and can share their grief and pain and allow others to stand beside them. That was not for me, I felt so alone in the eye of the storm, watching as people tried to reach me only to have them pulled away before I could drag them into my torture. They say death changes a person but what they don’t tell you is it doesn’t only change you it robs you of your whole identity. I would begin to look at one part of this broken up version of me for another part to jump out at me bringing with it the smack of a black wave of pain to send me spiralling into oblivion once more. 

As time marched on, as it does even when I felt so stuck, I had longer between the waves, more breathing space, more time to focus. What I focused on was the key I came to realise eventually. But until then all I could see was what I had lost, what was missing and asking why me, why us, why my girls, why Ben. 

Why had this thing bigger than me, than all of us came along and royally fucked up my life, why not that low life who beat his wife, his children, the one who cut me up in traffic, the drunk in the street. I didn’t care who it was, just anyone but me and my person. 

These questions would torment me and taunt me when people spoke of trivial arguments and how their significant others didn’t do this or wouldn’t do that. Or compare my grief to the loss of a pet. They didn’t realise how lucky they were, now I know that as humans we are programmed to search out the bad and the negative but really! They were lucky their person was alive and beside them, mine was dead and tucked safely away in the wardrobe until I could bear to think of moving him. I would be blinded by anger at the unfairness of life. 

So when well meaning (I use that term loosely) people say everything happens for a reason I would be sent back into the eye of the storm. Watching removed from the situation as the black waves rose and with it my feelings of isolation and why. The death of my husband happened and who knows if it was part of a bigger plan the Universe has for me, I sure as hell know that I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this if Ben was still alive. I wouldn’t have made it my mission to empower people in their own darkest days that this isn’t them and they can shift their focus towards more positive things to change their lives.

Would I rather Ben was alive and our lives were as we’d imagined, dreamed and hoped they would be, of course I do, if I could make it happen then that is what I would do without question. But I can’t. I can’t bring my husband back from the dead, I can’t give my girls their Daddy, I can’t but it doesn’t stop me wishing I could. 

So I don’t know if everything happens for a reason or if the Divine has a bigger and better plan for me, but I do know I liked my plan and I wouldn’t have changed it for anything. The time I had with Ben and the legacy he left me in our children makes me so happy, so proud and so very grateful. 

I am sometimes plagued by these feelings and questions still, I allow myself to be with them and know that they will pass and the waves will recede, until the next time...